


Into the Light

by kethni



Category: The Bill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 05:17:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3237710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kethni/pseuds/kethni





	Into the Light

I’ve done awful things, terrible things, things I can’t believe. Treated people badly. People I cared about, and that cared about me: you.

 

I woke up every morning, and for a couple of seconds it was beautiful because it seemed like it was all a bad dream. Like I imagined it. But I didn’t. I think that was the worst bit for me. Every day it was like I was realising for the first time what I did. That rush of toxic guilt into my gut and the cold dizziness. Knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better, to make it right. At least that’s over.

 

I thought, well, that I could talk to you somehow. Apologise and make it better. I can’t do anything now. It’s too late for me.

 

I’m glad you were never shot, it really hurts. It’s not like the films.

 

I saw you the other day. You didn’t see me, neither of you did. I don’t know what I was doing in that club. Hardly the place for someone like me, is it? I suppose I was curious to see people - men - like you. I had fun weirdly enough. It was liberating to have fun with men and not worry.

 

Craig looks good; you both looked so happy, and you make a good couple.

 

I should have seen that, shouldn’t I? I never was very good at seeing anything beyond the end of my nose.

 

I should have known that what you felt for me wasn’t what I wanted from you. We could have been such friends and had so much fun. Is Craig fun? I bet he is when he lets his hair down. When I first saw you both in there, you were at the bar getting a drink. Craig found a table and then walked over to you and touched your waist, a little touch: not grabbing, or demanding, the way that men touched me. Respectful, do you know what I mean? I saw the look on your face when you turned and saw it was him. I was a little sad because I know you never looked at me like that. Then he just touched your cheek with the back of his hand and smiled at you.

 

Grumpy Gilmore has a beautiful smile!

 

I hope you are happy together for a long time. You’ll look after him, won’t you, Luke? He’s such a nice, decent man, and if you hurt him, he’ll stay hurt for such a long time. He deserves to be treated right.

 

Reincarnation would be good, except I’m not sure I’d come back as anything good. A warthog would be my luck!

 

It’s funny how clear everything is. What a mess I made of my life, and now it’s almost gone. I’m not scared anymore, but I’m sad. I could have done so many things: helped people, loved people, been the best person I could be. I had a lot to give, but I threw my life away. Luke, don’t make my mistakes. Don’t rail and storm at the people you love because they aren’t perfect, or don’t feel the way you want them to.

 

Please, Luke; look after Craig and be happy together.

 

One last thing, don’t come to my funeral. Whatever happens after this, I don’t want to think of you two miserable and crying. I definitely don’t want you to get abuse from the Sun Hill morons if you arrive as a couple. If you feel some sort of a need to say goodbye, then perhaps you could give some money to the NSPCC in my name? I’d like that.

 

I want to know in myself that it worked out for you both, despite me. I’m sorry I’ll never have the chance to tell you that. In my head you’re going to be together and do all the things couples do. You better make it happen, Mister!

 

Bye Luke, it’s time for me to go. Don’t forget your Kerry, will you?

 

 

 


End file.
